What is Suicide?

Suicide has been an option for me for as long as I have known about it. If we are being honest, it's really an option for everyone even if we don't say it out loud.

Especially since we don't say it outloud.

Suicide is mainly committed for the following reasons: someone feels they don't offer anything to the world and it won't matter if they are gone or someone is running away from something. Either way, both of those lies start with desperation and end with more hurt.

My first time I thought about suicide was when I was in 7th grade. I was bullied pretty badly for years (Shout out to all the "safe" religiously based schools I attended). I had a plan. I had a note. I had my date.

The day before my date, my moms co-workers son committed suicide and I swear my mom came home early that day because she was so upset. I could be mis-remembering because it was so long ago, but it sticks out because she doesn't leave work early ever. When I saw the pain it brought to the people who cared about me, suicide didn't seem worth the escape I was seeking. That realization saved my life.

Personally, I think that death will feel similar to surgery. I may have some pain, but the end results will be worth it because the pain will no longer be permanent to me. Those last 2 words are so selfish.

I viewed suicide as a way out of the pain around me. Why wouldn't I? I was raised in a house, and community, that preached Christian values where our job, using the God-given gifts and talents that we have, is to bring people to Jesus so that they can go to heaven. Heaven is the ultimate end goal. Why not fast track it?

The Catholic Church at least got smart (greedy) about it and introduced the concept of purgatory, which is really the idea of endless waiting if you don't "do the right thing" and/or are unable to give enough money. Catholicism even doubled down and combined it with the scare-tactic, shared by other religions, that you wouldn't be able to be able to have a religious funeral, or be buried in a cemetery, if you commit suicide. What an effective way to silence and place more labor on the backs of those who are suffering.

Other religions may not be so explicit, but for some, the idea is generally there. This ideology creates a fear-based cycle that dictates any personal sacrifice is worth the fall out because ultimately we have brought people to heaven.

If this is the reaction of religious institutions, then why would anyone be comfortable talking about it? Why would anyone be comfortable talking to anyone who supports those institutions?

This is fucked up because it's implies that all personal suffering is worth it for the greater good. It also implies that more labor is needed, obviously by the person suffering, to fix it. Which, to a point, I do think that is true, because you have to take accountability for where you are at. However, to what extent? At what expense?

The 2nd time I contemplated suicide was Thanksgiving 2021. I was sitting in the tub at my parents house with a CBD bath bomb and a razor blade. Shout out to https://988lifeline.org/, combined with the guilt based idea that I didn't want my parents "forever home" to have that memory, for saving my life that time.

It's objectively wild because I know how to talk about suicide. Professionally, there have been times I talked people out of self-harm and/or suicide on the daily. I'm good at it. However, just because you are good at something doesn't mean you are good at applying that idea/theme to yourself. I found this especially true when I was in the middle of what was essentially an extended crisis tsunami.

Here's the kicker, I never really asked for help. Not explicitly. I mean, if you really paid attention to me you would have seen the signs. I was struggling with basic hygiene. I started to be late to everything. I wasn't answering texts - not even to people I cared about. I even started mother-fucking vaping - stupendously dumb with my health history. I'm aware. The list could go on and on. I got so caught up in surviving that I stopped enjoying life at all.

To be fair, I never really fought for myself because "family" was considered second to God and above yourself. However, similar to any system, that's only sustainable if everyone acts that way.

People always say to ask for help, but very few people are comfortable talking about suicide and would rather just talk around it. I have found that this is because people want to feel like they are "doing something", genuinely want to help but don't know how, or are so burnt out that even if you know what to do you become ineffective. Either way, the results are the same in which no real help is available.

For so long my mentality about suicide mirrored my mentality around cancer. Why even bring it up? Most people don't know how to react anyway and all it does is spread more pain. The times I tried I was shut down early, given a Bible verse/basic affirmations, and was checked-in on a lot.

The last step is great, when coupled with the right tools and support, but when you don't have the right combo it just feels like you are doggy paddling around with no land in sight. It's exhausting and all your energy gets sucked away in the process. Plus, when you are actively checking in without offering solutions it becomes hovering. For me, this lead to more personal labor to make sure the people in my life didn't feel the way I did and would give me some space. You don't want to talk about it, that's 100% fine and absolutely should be respected, but then you need to give people the space to process and get the help that they need.

Living like this is a toxic cycle that inevitably leads to burnout if changes are not made and that slope is slippery and steep.

I deserve to live a life that is burnout free. We all do.

What do you do then? Thankfully, we live in an age where infomation is at our fingertips and there is literally apps for this when you don't have energy to leave your apartment and/or do the things you know you should. My favorites are: my telehealth therapist (5th therapist was the charm), I Am (affirmations), and Daily Yoga (meditation based yoga).

If we are being honest, the world is crazy so why wouldn't suicide be an option? If you look at a snapshot of the world today, really look, you can see everyone's reactions to feeling pain. Some choose violence and fear tactics to dictate things a specific way for everyone so that they feel safe. Preaching hate and fear for their personal gain/comfort. Some choose to sacrifice themselves for the prefences of the people around them. Giving away pieces of themselves for the sake of "love". Some people are so stuck in their despair that as they shut down more, driving people away through inaction/addiction, that they have no one left.

Personally, I choose silence. This is due to me often being labeled as manipulative when I have tried to get help, shared an opinion, or held my boundaries. I am working to leave this toxic cycle in the dust permanently.

It's okay to be selfish and show up for ourselves. It's the only way to protect ourselves and authentically better the community that we have around us. It's also something that we deserve.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I'm glad you are here.